Soldiers' Fanclubs
by Enide Dear
Summary: Somethings not even ShinRa is ready to deal with. Rabid fanclubs is one of them.


Title: Soldiers' Fanclubs

Author: Enide Dear

Pairing: none, Rufus centered

Rating: funny, but contains in-game character deaths

Summary: Some things not even ShinRa is properly ready to handle. Fangirls is one of them.

A/N: You all know we'd do it if we were on Gaia. And you all know Rufus would do this to us…

Rufus could feel a pounding headache starting up somewhere deep inside his skull. He was damn sure his father had sent him to this meeting, instead of going himself, simply to deter him from any would-be world domination plans. Well, the fat old geezer could just forget about that, because once Rufus was president he would make damn sure…..

The sound of Tseng gently clearing his throat sent Rufus mind back from whatever pleasant and genocidal pathways it had been taking. The young vice president forced himself to look up and smile.

Five women stood on the other side of his desk. Three of them were impeccably dressed – one even a snap more than that – one was wearing the comfortable and sensible clothes of a mother and the last one Rufus vaguely remembered as one of the receptionists down in the lobby. They all watched him expectantly.

"And what can ShinRa do for you, ladies?" He asked with forced politeness.

"Mr. ShinRa," the one furthest to the left beamed at him. "We here represent the four greatest fanclubs on Gaia, all dedicated with endless zeal to our heroes! We have come to make you a business offer that will greatly improve both ShinRa PR and our own financial needs. I hope you will agree with us."

"Excuse me, 'fanclubs'?" Rufus headache showed no sign of withdrawing.

"Yes!"The more scruffy woman cut in. "We are the chairwomen of Angeal's Keepers of Honor-" she stood up a bit straighter "-Genesis' Red Leather and the Loveless Study Group-" she indicated the two proper women "-Sephiroth's Silver Elite-" this to the very fancy woman "-and our up-and-coming Zack Fair Fanclub."

"Which only has twelve members," one of Genesis' chairwomen said rather nastily.

"So far!" The receptionist blushed but didn't back down. "In time it will be the greatest club of all!"

"Maybe if the other three were to drop dead it would." The Silver Elite woman muttered snarkily.

"Please, please," Rufus held up a hand to stop the bickering that did nothing for his poor head. "I fail to see what these…ventures…would mean to ShinRa?"

"Merchandises!" Smiling, the Red Leather woman clapped her hands. "And not just apple jewelry anymore – oh no! We have greater plans than that – much greater!"

"And we've been very diligent in our background checks – I think you will be very impressed!" The Silver Elite woman stood, if possible, even taller.

A nagging suspicion that the First Class Soldiers might be braver than he'd ever suspected made Rufus purse his lips. Who needed monsters and enemies and evil scientists performing experiments on you when you had fans like this?

"What do you suggest?" He asked wearily.

"Simple." Angeal's chairwoman said – she seemed the most reasonable, not to mention quietest of them, but Rufus wasn't fooled. "If we get ShinRa permission, we will start manufacturing a number of quality items with reference to our heroes." She exchanged a look with her fellow fans and they all reached into their bags at once in a way that made Tseng almost jump. "Such as these!"

On the given signal, four foot-long dolls were dumped onto the vice president's desk. Rufus could just stare at them, unable to find words.

"They are chibi!" Zack's chair woman exclaimed happily. "Aren't they adorable?"

Rufus was still at a loss for words. He tried to imagine what the First Class Soldiers with their lithe, muscular, well toned bodies could possibly have to say about being impersonated as chubby, cuddly soft toys. Words failed.

"And of course they come with a whole set of matching clothes!" With a greed that was almost frightening, Red Leather woman and the Study Group woman tore at little chibi Genesis, more or less ripping of his clothes before starting to dig in their endless purses after more.

Rufus withheld the impulse to smack his forehead against the desk and instead said tonelessly:

"I see you went through the trouble of making them anatomically correct."

"Of course." With a giggle the woman snapped a lacquered nail against the dangling piece of cloth in a way that made both Tseng and Rufus want to wince.

"And look at this – Zack comes with attachable puppy ears and tail. How cute isn't that?" Zack's woman smiled as she further defiled ShinRa's newest death machine.

"This is…"he started but was cut off.

"Oh, this is not all! We are planning on selling Banora White cider, collectable items of course, with a new picture of Angeal or Genesis on each and *real* collectors' items with both of them!" Angeal's woman took out five bottles and once more Rufus jaw dropped.

"There seems to be…an awful lot of skin showing on these." He couldn't stop staring at one of the bottles with Angeal, obviously taken in the shower and if Rufus knew anything about that honorable man, taken without the Soldier's permission. "An…awful…lot of skin." He couldn't tear his eyes away until Tseng delicately leaned forward and turned the bottle around, thus freeing his boss' mind from the spell. "Not to mention the one with both of them being…actually, that is classified ShinRa information." His headache reached pounding new levels at the sight of the passionate kiss.

"We've been diligent. *Very* diligent." The Zack woman beamed. "We're thinking of organizing tours to their hometowns. Gongagga is very beautiful, you know."

*Gongagga is a steaming jungle cesspit full of biting insects and lethal snakes. Which is probably why Zack was so eager to leave it in the first place. And Banora is frankly duller than Palmer. And….* The horrible, horrible thought struck him and he turned to the neatest and most quiet chair woman.

"And what about ShinRa's greatest hero? What have you planned for him? A shampoo collection, perhaps?" Rufus half pleaded.

The woman stood straighter. Rufus wondered if he could gnaw of his own leg and escape.

"Oh no, nothing as banal as that. No, we have been *most diligent* in our search for Sephiroth's hobbies and not the least his hometown."

*Oh. Crap.* "Really?"

"Yes, and we found out it is somewhere in the region of Niebelheim." She beamed demented, not at all like she was walking on the edge of an abyss. "And further studying showed that there seems they have some kind of mascot there. It is called Jenova."

She proudly took something from her bag. It was another chibi, this one blue with lots of tentacles. Lots and lots of tentacles.

Even Tseng drew sharply after his breath in the quiet room. Rufus smiled. His headache was suddenly withdrawing.

"Wonderful. I will just leave you with my assistant, Tseng, here to close the deal then, shall I?" Rufus stood up and left the room but as he heard five muffled shots from a silencer gun, he couldn't help but smile.


End file.
